Glass Crown

Cautiously touch the edge of a bubble

Peering into the world inside

It collapses to some soapy rubble

I wanted to know, I did I tried

 

To win but lose, succeed yet fail

Ascending hopes, but crushing fears

The dreams I hold are bright but frail

Elicits a smile on the brink of tears

 

Weight of my thoughts bearing down

Not knowing if I’m wrong or right

Don’t know if it’s glass or a crown

Upon my head that reflects the light

 

 

Hey all, it’s been awhile. I haven’t written since…finals? Forgive me, I’ve been busy but nowhere near enough to suggest that I have 0 time to write. I’ve been working at the lab, doing some homework, debating a bit, that’s about it.

This piece is about how it feels to be alone, outside, not knowing if you’re right, even if others tell you you’re wrong. It’s how it feels to win in word but not in heart, in spirit. It’s how it feels to want something so bad, but not knowing if you can or should, and if you have what it takes, or if it’s just fantasy.

I thought it would be appropriate to note that glass and crown are not mutually exclusive, hence the title. You can interpret that however you wish, or through the same lens as the rest of the analysis.

It’s good to be back.

Thank you for reading, and have a great day

Cursed Gift

Why do I not feel happy for them, if they are filled with joy?

I can only think that it’s because I wanted that selfish pleasure to be mine.

I won’t lie to myself, I owe myself that much.

 

Some things will never change, my insufferable yet beautiful passion one of them.

The goosebumps run down my arms and I shiver with the thought of you.

But you are not mine to hold, not mine to lose anymore.

It’s only now that I realize, your joy was my bliss only when your world was mine.

Crumpling, no longer resolute, never resolute with you, without you.

To look inward and face the truth, it’s not really love for you, is it?

How can I love you, if it’s just for the high it gives me?

That must be the truth they see in me, the soul behind the shell;

The me I didn’t know was there.

 

This love isn’t killing me…the struggle inside is.

Can’t let you go, not strong enough; can’t win your heart, not good enough.

They were all right, I am alone…I cut myself off, even as I reached out.

It didn’t have to be this way, but I brought it about.

I won’t lie to myself…I’ve made a grand mess of things.

Tell me I’m immature, that I’m delusional, that I’m dramatic…

That the storm will pass, that it will be nothing years from now.

I know you’re right. We’re specks of dust in a stream of time.

But it means everything to me. What you gave me, was happiness.

 

 

Thanks for reading, and have a great day

Notice

Sorry, this is just a post to say that I need to put my site on hiatus for the next 2-3 weeks. I have a few AP tests, recitals, driving tests, as well as an essay all due over the next month. Writing is really important to me now, and I plan to continue working on it through all of the writing I’ll need to do over the coming weeks.

I’ll be back asap, and I may post occasionally, but it’s doubtful.

Thanks for bearing with me,

Heavy Thoughts

(Quick note: Just a rant for today. Thoughts, questions, answers to my questions all in one. Perhaps I just need to vent or something.)

 

I think I may be slightly depressed. I have a few interests, but not many, really. I play the piano, and it’s something that I’ll probably do for the rest of my life, but even so it’s not something that I would do professionally for a living. I write, and it’s nice to be able to create something…writing is a skill that I will hone and value for the rest of my time as well. Do I want to be an author though? I’m not too sure.

I guess I’m not super popular at school, but I have great friends who I can look up to, make jokes with, and complain about homework to. It’s just…I’m not good enough on either end of the spectrum. I’m decently smart, I get alright grades that could be better, and I fare well in the math department. I guess this isn’t the main issue, this can easily be resolved with more time, practice, learning.

Try as I might, I’m a person, and I feel really strong emotions. In a way, this makes my piano that much more meaningful, because without feeling how can one ever feel the music? Anyways…well I notice things. It’s not huge, but it’s the little things.

Like when you sneeze and no one says anything, that’s fine. But then anyone else sneezes and a quarter of the class is praying to god that their heart doesn’t stop and that they don’t catch the next flu pandemic.

My parents notice it too, asking me why I don’t hang out with my friends super often. Sometimes it’s not enough time, but disregarding that I guess it’s simply that I’m not social enough.

Some people are introverts, and they just prefer to be alone. To enjoy oneself, their surroundings, and not have to deal with others. Sometimes this definition works for me, but occasionally I just feel the loneliness and wish that I had company.

I guess that leads me to the next point. I don’t think that I’m even in love anymore, it’s probably just missing the light feeling I used to get from being close to someone special. After all the bs that I’ve done, I don’t see a reason as to why she would still want anything to do with me. Even so, it still hurts no matter the angle you look at it.

Sometimes I find myself studying, working when I feel down. It’s helpful for a moment, but with all the drive I feel from suffering, I realize that I don’t have a direction. I don’t have enough interests to pursue I guess.

 

The root of the problem is probably somewhere in me. I take the blame not because potentially I’m depressed, but rather for the sake of acknowledging that a problem exists, and that some part of the issue is in my hands, and I can change it.

I guess that’s how my mentality works. I guess that’s how I work.

Until I resolve it, it’ll probably eat me up inside until one day, there’s nothing left but the husk, a stone-cold shell with no purpose but to move in a direction; forward, uncompromising, and without joy.

I don’t want to become that. That’s not what living should be like.

 

Thank you for reading. If you have any suggestions based on this glimpse of my life and rendition of my feelings, please let me know. Maybe it’s my own struggle but I’ll appreciate any help that I can get.

Thanks, and have a great day.

Sleep

It’s 12:30

Labs, projects, homework oh my

I need to write a paper, I shouldn’t have waited on

Still feel sore from track practice, and I feel like I could die

Be up all night long, till the dusk gives way to dawn

This suffering self-inflicted, why?

Procrastination

What even, all these years still here?

Took it out, cast it aside, forbade it to ever return

But it came back like like a hidden danger invisible but near

Dreams and hopes to work for, move towards, yearn

No more pain to feel, not even fear

Just fatigue

 

Sleep.

 

 

This is the kind of stuff my mind creates at 1 in the morning. Forgive me, I’ve been busy and it’s been difficult to create novel, and heartfelt work. This one is a pattern, rhyming but also shape? It’s a little rough, but it conveys my point.

 

Thx for reading, have a great day

Silence

“What do you want?”, I ask

A blank stare meets my gaze

Looking into those eyes, I see a glimmer of hope and curiosity

The crinkle of a smile reaches his lips

Then it’s gone

 

“Who are you?”, I ask

A flash of worry streaks across

Looking into his eyes, I see worry, fear even

A shiver passes through

Then stillness

 

“What are your dreams?”

A feeling of confidence sweeps over

Looking into those eyes, I feel worry, loss

Drive but no direction

Then nothing

 

“Why?”

A fissure in my conscience

Looking in the mirror, I feel broken

I don’t know

Then deafening silence

 

 

Thanks for reading, and have a great day.

A Walk in the Park: thoughts on life

I had just finished a track workout today, and I jog-walked through the park next to my school to warm down.

As I was walking along the path, for some reason I began contemplating my existence, and how one day undoubtably, I would die.

Yeah, alright…perhaps I was being too morbid. I’m afraid of death, I guess most people are. The weird thing is, this afternoon while walking in the park, I felt calm, and asked myself why worry about something that is inevitable? Why worry about what you can delay but not solve, when we have only so much time on this earth? I don’t really believe in spirits at this point in time, so for all I know, we only do live once, and then we’re gone. A speck of sand in a desert, a drop of water in the ocean, is really all the time we have. But it’s wonderful that it exists…that we can make so much out of what little we have.

As I was walking in the park, I realized that life is indeed like a marathon. It’s a long race, a difficult one, and it’s against yourself. You meet lots of people along that trail, some you run and talk with, others you’d rather not see again. Regardless, at some point we stop running. Whether you finish or not, the race comes to an end, either from completing the race, or not being able to.

You may come to the end, and celebrate that you’ve completed your marathon. You might laugh about it, talk about it with the friends you made on your run. And then, it’s over.

Sure, you can go for a record, beat everyone else. You can also walk the whole thing, although that may take a lot of time. It’s the same thing as being the change you want to see, acting on vindication and unerring motivation, or simply enjoying the small things, and appreciating the world and yourself for what they are.

No matter what one chooses to do on this long run, the most important thing is to enjoy it, and make that journey worth everything you gave for it.

With this, I’ll leave you all with a short poem:

 

Life

Life, what does it mean?

A long path of hope, despair

Blink, and it departs

 

Thanks for reading, and as always have a great day