Late Night Thoughts–Depression as a Virus?

It’s 1 am again, the world around is frozen

Fatigue clashes with drive, passion, bitterness

Keep going, you think, for there is always more to learn

1 more page, 5 more pages, then 10 more

and another hour has vanished forever

 

The virus is fascinating, is it not?

Neither living nor dead, yet ever present

Sometimes lytic, sometimes lysogenic

Hiding, taking over, and growing outward

until it has consumed the host entirely

 

The virus is like a feeling of dejection

Neither absent nor fully present

Sometimes you bend to its will, crumbling

Sometimes you raise your head to face it

and stare it down with a sad smile

 

It’s 2 am now, the stillness has broadened

Windows shuttering closed, fog looming in

Keep going, you think, for there is still more to learn

Gel electrophoresis separates bands by property…

just as the conscious separates sleep from wakefulness

 

Hey all, this is a poem inspired by my potentially unhealthy study habits over the past few days. Studying bio has become my life as I rush to prepare for a competition in ~17 days time. My reading pace is a little slow because comprehension comes at the price of slowing down for a moment, breathing and reflecting.

Sometimes though, the late hour begins to muddle your thoughts. When I finally hit the section on viruses yesterday, some of these thoughts were beginning to mix with some internal feelings, and I realized simultaneously how dangerous they could be just how unaddressed feelings could spread and consume you.

I’m struggling with a part of my identity––one that reminds me that try as I might, failure is often a result. Because as significant as effort is, at the end of the day it’s not solely the journey, but also the destination that matters. While I know that hard work and cooperation with others can compensate for my weaknesses, it’s challenging to quell the feelings of frustration that sometimes boil up.

 

Anyways, sorry for missing a post a few days ago…I’ll do my best to be active, but I hope you understand when I’m not.

Thank you for reading, and have a great day

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Running In Reverse

Hey all, sorry for being late, again. Today (Friday but 2 days late) is poetry day.

I have a weekly reminder on my phone, but the past 2 days have been pretty rough.

There was some inexplicably disastrous friendship drama, and a few of my close friends had a falling out, me included. It really stung, because some fundamental differences in values were revealed. I realized that some people were what I wished they weren’t, and some were surprisingly who they were.

Personally, my belief is that a core value of wanting, and needing to improve after mistakes and pain is necessary to be happy whilst achieving what you desire and more. Attempting to pretend a problem doesn’t exist is not only unacceptable, but grounds for distancing a relationship. This is alright in your own life, even if I disagree with you, but when the problem affects others it must be addressed with honesty and cooperation.

For me, this is because small underlying differences if not discussed bubble up later in larger issues, and with time become explosive eruptions. Rather than pretending the ground isn’t surging beneath our feet, it’s simply better to acknowledge and agree to disagree, or acknowledge and agree to analyze, work together, and grow as people. Agreeing to disagree, however, does not mean that this same issue will be disagreed upon repeatedly in the future…it should be thought about privately, and only confronted when there is insightful discussion to be had.

When I realized that some of these friends simply wished to pretend that everything was alright and normal. Everything was not normal, so I made a choice. This choice was not to be cold and burn ties, but simply to refrain from extending a deeper friendship with these individuals. The choice to bury problems engenders the discussion of honesty…because if we cannot be honest about our values, there is no way we can have honesty on issues constructed upon these values.

Right now, I wish to share a poem on the events of the past few days, just about how I feel based on these experiences.

 

Running in Reverse

Just a crack in the dirt, they said

Nothing to worry, press onward

Let’s build on this foundation

a friendship.

 

 

Just a line in the sand, not in rock

The wind blows, and changes yes?

Protect the weak sprout yet not

the sapling?

 

Just once, a compromise of value

We all have differences, you know

They said we could laugh and play

in harmony.

 

But it’s not just a crack in the dirt

Nor simply a line in the sand

Not a singular loss of values

but untruth.

 

Can we be frank with each other

If we don’t perceive the divide

Constantly bury our principles

for this?

This is toxic––running in reverse

 

All of these views expressed are not intended to be laid down as fact, in a dogmatic manner, but simply as my world view for building deeper relationships.

Apologies again, for the late post and somber tone.

 

Thanks for reading,

Take care, and have a great day

Drift Away

Good evening,

I was thinking maybe I can structure each of the 3 times I post a week to include variety, and also more predictability.

Today I guess I just felt in a more poetic mood, with the rain tapping lightly against the roof with light music in the background.

This poem is called Drift Away, 3 stanzas of free verse. No rhyme scheme, nothing complicated. I wrote this, inspired in the moment by feelings of wonder as well as torment.

 

The rain falls like dust to the earth

Soft but with touch, lighting against the roof

Clouds roll in as the night deepens

Carrying the weight of drops

As time drifts onward

 

Thoughts heavy like rain

Pondering, weighing as they descend

Tapping into inner feelings

The envy, conflict, passion surface

Spirit drifting onward

 

The burden of struggle dissolves

Moonlight peers around the clouds

But then is hidden again

As the rain resumes

Washing hope away

 

 

Hope to see you Sunday

Thanks for reading, and have a wonderful day.

Glass Crown

Cautiously touch the edge of a bubble

Peering into the world inside

It collapses to some soapy rubble

I wanted to know, I did I tried

 

To win but lose, succeed yet fail

Ascending hopes, but crushing fears

The dreams I hold are bright but frail

Elicits a smile on the brink of tears

 

Weight of my thoughts bearing down

Not knowing if I’m wrong or right

Don’t know if it’s glass or a crown

Upon my head that reflects the light

 

 

Hey all, it’s been awhile. I haven’t written since…finals? Forgive me, I’ve been busy but nowhere near enough to suggest that I have 0 time to write. I’ve been working at the lab, doing some homework, debating a bit, that’s about it.

This piece is about how it feels to be alone, outside, not knowing if you’re right, even if others tell you you’re wrong. It’s how it feels to win in word but not in heart, in spirit. It’s how it feels to want something so bad, but not knowing if you can or should, and if you have what it takes, or if it’s just fantasy.

I thought it would be appropriate to note that glass and crown are not mutually exclusive, hence the title. You can interpret that however you wish, or through the same lens as the rest of the analysis.

It’s good to be back.

Thank you for reading, and have a great day

Cursed Gift

Why do I not feel happy for them, if they are filled with joy?

I can only think that it’s because I wanted that selfish pleasure to be mine.

I won’t lie to myself, I owe myself that much.

 

Some things will never change, my insufferable yet beautiful passion one of them.

The goosebumps run down my arms and I shiver with the thought of you.

But you are not mine to hold, not mine to lose anymore.

It’s only now that I realize, your joy was my bliss only when your world was mine.

Crumpling, no longer resolute, never resolute with you, without you.

To look inward and face the truth, it’s not really love for you, is it?

How can I love you, if it’s just for the high it gives me?

That must be the truth they see in me, the soul behind the shell;

The me I didn’t know was there.

 

This love isn’t killing me…the struggle inside is.

Can’t let you go, not strong enough; can’t win your heart, not good enough.

They were all right, I am alone…I cut myself off, even as I reached out.

It didn’t have to be this way, but I brought it about.

I won’t lie to myself…I’ve made a grand mess of things.

Tell me I’m immature, that I’m delusional, that I’m dramatic…

That the storm will pass, that it will be nothing years from now.

I know you’re right. We’re specks of dust in a stream of time.

But it means everything to me. What you gave me, was happiness.

 

 

Thanks for reading, and have a great day

Sleep

It’s 12:30

Labs, projects, homework oh my

I need to write a paper, I shouldn’t have waited on

Still feel sore from track practice, and I feel like I could die

Be up all night long, till the dusk gives way to dawn

This suffering self-inflicted, why?

Procrastination

What even, all these years still here?

Took it out, cast it aside, forbade it to ever return

But it came back like like a hidden danger invisible but near

Dreams and hopes to work for, move towards, yearn

No more pain to feel, not even fear

Just fatigue

 

Sleep.

 

 

This is the kind of stuff my mind creates at 1 in the morning. Forgive me, I’ve been busy and it’s been difficult to create novel, and heartfelt work. This one is a pattern, rhyming but also shape? It’s a little rough, but it conveys my point.

 

Thx for reading, have a great day

Silence

“What do you want?”, I ask

A blank stare meets my gaze

Looking into those eyes, I see a glimmer of hope and curiosity

The crinkle of a smile reaches his lips

Then it’s gone

 

“Who are you?”, I ask

A flash of worry streaks across

Looking into his eyes, I see worry, fear even

A shiver passes through

Then stillness

 

“What are your dreams?”

A feeling of confidence sweeps over

Looking into those eyes, I feel worry, loss

Drive but no direction

Then nothing

 

“Why?”

A fissure in my conscience

Looking in the mirror, I feel broken

I don’t know

Then deafening silence

 

 

Thanks for reading, and have a great day.