Late Night Thoughts–Depression as a Virus?

It’s 1 am again, the world around is frozen

Fatigue clashes with drive, passion, bitterness

Keep going, you think, for there is always more to learn

1 more page, 5 more pages, then 10 more

and another hour has vanished forever


The virus is fascinating, is it not?

Neither living nor dead, yet ever present

Sometimes lytic, sometimes lysogenic

Hiding, taking over, and growing outward

until it has consumed the host entirely


The virus is like a feeling of dejection

Neither absent nor fully present

Sometimes you bend to its will, crumbling

Sometimes you raise your head to face it

and stare it down with a sad smile


It’s 2 am now, the stillness has broadened

Windows shuttering closed, fog looming in

Keep going, you think, for there is still more to learn

Gel electrophoresis separates bands by property…

just as the conscious separates sleep from wakefulness


Hey all, this is a poem inspired by my potentially unhealthy study habits over the past few days. Studying bio has become my life as I rush to prepare for a competition in ~17 days time. My reading pace is a little slow because comprehension comes at the price of slowing down for a moment, breathing and reflecting.

Sometimes though, the late hour begins to muddle your thoughts. When I finally hit the section on viruses yesterday, some of these thoughts were beginning to mix with some internal feelings, and I realized simultaneously how dangerous they could be just how unaddressed feelings could spread and consume you.

I’m struggling with a part of my identity––one that reminds me that try as I might, failure is often a result. Because as significant as effort is, at the end of the day it’s not solely the journey, but also the destination that matters. While I know that hard work and cooperation with others can compensate for my weaknesses, it’s challenging to quell the feelings of frustration that sometimes boil up.


Anyways, sorry for missing a post a few days ago…I’ll do my best to be active, but I hope you understand when I’m not.

Thank you for reading, and have a great day


Running In Reverse

Hey all, sorry for being late, again. Today (Friday but 2 days late) is poetry day.

I have a weekly reminder on my phone, but the past 2 days have been pretty rough.

There was some inexplicably disastrous friendship drama, and a few of my close friends had a falling out, me included. It really stung, because some fundamental differences in values were revealed. I realized that some people were what I wished they weren’t, and some were surprisingly who they were.

Personally, my belief is that a core value of wanting, and needing to improve after mistakes and pain is necessary to be happy whilst achieving what you desire and more. Attempting to pretend a problem doesn’t exist is not only unacceptable, but grounds for distancing a relationship. This is alright in your own life, even if I disagree with you, but when the problem affects others it must be addressed with honesty and cooperation.

For me, this is because small underlying differences if not discussed bubble up later in larger issues, and with time become explosive eruptions. Rather than pretending the ground isn’t surging beneath our feet, it’s simply better to acknowledge and agree to disagree, or acknowledge and agree to analyze, work together, and grow as people. Agreeing to disagree, however, does not mean that this same issue will be disagreed upon repeatedly in the future…it should be thought about privately, and only confronted when there is insightful discussion to be had.

When I realized that some of these friends simply wished to pretend that everything was alright and normal. Everything was not normal, so I made a choice. This choice was not to be cold and burn ties, but simply to refrain from extending a deeper friendship with these individuals. The choice to bury problems engenders the discussion of honesty…because if we cannot be honest about our values, there is no way we can have honesty on issues constructed upon these values.

Right now, I wish to share a poem on the events of the past few days, just about how I feel based on these experiences.


Running in Reverse

Just a crack in the dirt, they said

Nothing to worry, press onward

Let’s build on this foundation

a friendship.



Just a line in the sand, not in rock

The wind blows, and changes yes?

Protect the weak sprout yet not

the sapling?


Just once, a compromise of value

We all have differences, you know

They said we could laugh and play

in harmony.


But it’s not just a crack in the dirt

Nor simply a line in the sand

Not a singular loss of values

but untruth.


Can we be frank with each other

If we don’t perceive the divide

Constantly bury our principles

for this?

This is toxic––running in reverse


All of these views expressed are not intended to be laid down as fact, in a dogmatic manner, but simply as my world view for building deeper relationships.

Apologies again, for the late post and somber tone.


Thanks for reading,

Take care, and have a great day

Cursed Gift

Why do I not feel happy for them, if they are filled with joy?

I can only think that it’s because I wanted that selfish pleasure to be mine.

I won’t lie to myself, I owe myself that much.


Some things will never change, my insufferable yet beautiful passion one of them.

The goosebumps run down my arms and I shiver with the thought of you.

But you are not mine to hold, not mine to lose anymore.

It’s only now that I realize, your joy was my bliss only when your world was mine.

Crumpling, no longer resolute, never resolute with you, without you.

To look inward and face the truth, it’s not really love for you, is it?

How can I love you, if it’s just for the high it gives me?

That must be the truth they see in me, the soul behind the shell;

The me I didn’t know was there.


This love isn’t killing me…the struggle inside is.

Can’t let you go, not strong enough; can’t win your heart, not good enough.

They were all right, I am alone…I cut myself off, even as I reached out.

It didn’t have to be this way, but I brought it about.

I won’t lie to myself…I’ve made a grand mess of things.

Tell me I’m immature, that I’m delusional, that I’m dramatic…

That the storm will pass, that it will be nothing years from now.

I know you’re right. We’re specks of dust in a stream of time.

But it means everything to me. What you gave me, was happiness.



Thanks for reading, and have a great day


To try, to fail.

To struggle, to fail.

To learn, to fail.

To give one’s best, and fail.

To hurt, and fail.


Sometimes there seems to be no end

Over and over, we try, fumble, and stop

It hurts even as you learn and try again

The wise people say it’s the only way to grow

You fail again, even as you try to understand


Never ending, a vicious cycle descending

A weight of worlds spiraling downwards

Tense breaths as the calm slips away

Again. Get up, analyze, learn, try again

Once more you tell yourself. One more time


Finally arriving, it arrives with the bill

The cost of failure, the resources to try

Rather than anger, only a void to fill

The price is one’s time, sweat and suffering

Even with nothing, you’re left with a gift


Humility. Knowledge. Growth,


It hurts, it burns, it heals, it mends.

Ever-present, either in the moment or by the scars left behind


Thanks for reading, it’s been awhile.

Have a great day