A Speck of Sawdust

You brought me light when things were grim

I won’t give up although I’m not on track

Try to drown my sorrows on any whim

I’ll clench my teeth but I won’t look back

 

Do you see the pain behind a work of art

Hidden words behind a demure smile

The anguish inside ripping them apart

A trace of wonder that’s been there awhile

 

Although one day you’ll forget about me

You’re my heart’s desire, its paradigm

Just another face lost to the endless sea

My face still lights up like the first time

 

I might be lost in a passing breeze, or buried in the time that’s floated on by

I’ve overextended my stay, been a gentlemen and a jackass, but I have to try

I won’t be able to look back years from now, not cry looking you in the eye

It’s selfish I know, but I love you so, and if nothing else just tell you goodbye

 

I know you may not see this, but I’ll show you someday.

I wish things had been different, turned out another way.

 

For X.T.

Je t’aime, toujours.

 

I hope you enjoyed the poem.

Thanks for reading, and have a great day.

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Essay Practice: Defense of Capitalism

(Atlas Shrugged, practice intro paragraph)

By stating that “no clash of interests among men who do not demand the unearned and do not practice human sacrifices” (478), Rearden exposes the fallacy behind the shallow covering of public good. At this point, Hank not only begins to recognize the driver of injustice in his world, but also how he can fight it through exposing the unspoken evil to the common people. For his whole life, Rearden has worked his way through the world dependent grounded only on his ability and morals, but has subjected himself to the lack of ability in others and their falsehoods of morals. Although he has maintained the spirit of capitalism in himself, he has also left himself defenseless to those who seek to leech off of him in the name of the public good. One cannot survive in a society in which the definition of public good means the utility of unproductive majority at the expense of a productive few.

 

Just an intro for today, I may decide to build upon it in the following days to see if I can make a rough draft. Writing whatever is on my mind is fine most of the time, but it’s good to prepare with set prompts for essay-writing and other skills.

 

Thanks for reading, I’ll try to do some poetry later this week.

Have a great day.

Failure

To try, to fail.

To struggle, to fail.

To learn, to fail.

To give one’s best, and fail.

To hurt, and fail.

 

Sometimes there seems to be no end

Over and over, we try, fumble, and stop

It hurts even as you learn and try again

The wise people say it’s the only way to grow

You fail again, even as you try to understand

 

Never ending, a vicious cycle descending

A weight of worlds spiraling downwards

Tense breaths as the calm slips away

Again. Get up, analyze, learn, try again

Once more you tell yourself. One more time

 

Finally arriving, it arrives with the bill

The cost of failure, the resources to try

Rather than anger, only a void to fill

The price is one’s time, sweat and suffering

Even with nothing, you’re left with a gift

 

Humility. Knowledge. Growth,

Hope.

It hurts, it burns, it heals, it mends.

Ever-present, either in the moment or by the scars left behind

 

Thanks for reading, it’s been awhile.

Have a great day

Arrogance

“The tree ripe with fruits bends over in its weight”

An analogy for arrogance, it means that with accomplishments under one’s belt, one becomes overconfident and only aware of their achievements.

For me, I experienced this recently and felt a need to write about it. (Also to let you guys know that I’m still writing, even if not as consistently as I’d hope.) After a few compliments from people, and a good approval from a teacher on an assignment, I got it into my head that I was some incredible writer, and that with ease or effort, my literature would be profound and of high caliber.

This coming from the same person who admitted that likely, the first 500 blog posts would be sad, or mediocre even.

Sometimes we get our heads stuck up our asses. That was me until I got a major essay back. My teacher gave me a B- or C+ on it. This was a 10 page work which I had invested hours into, spent my time dozing off thinking about my analysis. All coming to fruition in a work that was unappreciated, and I felt, improper for the effort.

Of course the first emotion would be indignation. I felt a brief spark, momentarily angry and upset at the rewards for my efforts. Then I remembered that my teacher is a great teacher, and holds her students to a high standard in their work in order to drive them further and to achieve more. She knows that I’ve written good work, and she’s told me honestly when she thought my piece was good quality. Clearly this wasn’t.

I kept my cool, not because I’m that mentally strong. I did it because I realized my goal was to become a better writer, and that my english teacher is a strong writer, and that I have much to learn.

It hurt a bit, but I took a step back and thought for awhile. Yes, I had invested lots of time into this essay. But was it well-spent? Clearly not, and with that realization, I understood that my essay had become too garbled, too broad. I was trying to write a paper on human nature and its essence, when I should have focused on answering the questions that my teacher was asking.

A lot of the content was fluffy, some of my evidence was contradictory, and some of the reasoning was shaky at best.

Only after seeing this, could the grade be understood. The grade received was the grade that it deserved.

Effort does not equate results. In a world where merely good intention and effort is accepted and rewarded and applauded even is a world based on distortion and self delusion. A world which people can take advantage of, as it gives people the excuses to not achieve what they should.

I guess that I’ve been reading too much of Ayn Rand, and her objectivism philosophy is getting to me. I’m more than half way through Atlas Shrugged! Spent several hours today going from page 350-650 haha.

I think that what my english teacher taught me today is that remaining humble, and constantly aware of the objective truth is what matters when acting. Confidence is wonderful, but should never be left untended and allowed to grow uncontrolled into arrogance.

Thank you for teaching me this lesson today, Mrs. H.

 

Thank you for reading today, and I’m sorry it’s been so long. I guess not only do I need to work on my confidence (moderation) but also my commitment to writing every day.

Workaholism

People don’t choose the workaholic life, it chooses them. For some people it’s just their need to feel productive, moving closer to the next goal. Sometimes it’s just to keep one’s mind off of pain in other aspects of life. Ultimately, it can be an approach where you burn violently and then die off, or a productive lifestyle in which you achieve many things in the short time frame that we call life.

Sorry for not posting in a bit, I got caught up in this book called Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. In the text, society has taken a dark turn in which most of the world has become transformed into a faux-socialist place where people act under the guise of benefit for others while condemning those who achieve greatness to leech for their own. The protagonists truly seem to embody the essence of workaholism, where work is their existence and the driving force behind their actions. It shows an extreme representation in which people who’s mentalities are almost psychopathic (showing disregard for the feelings of others) and their conquest to achieve more, and grow their businesses.

However, as time progresses one begins to realize that one of the characters was not always this way. They used to be quick and uncaring, but not entirely cold towards others. After cutting ties with the detriment that the public has become, they manage to begin rebuilding themselves, achieving an immensely productive state in their work, but also finding joy in other aspects of their life.

What this shows us is that although work can be our passion, our joys and motivation, we can also find happiness amongst our peers and colleagues, and in the form of connecting with people. I’m incredibly fortunate to be middle-class, and live in a world where people value advances in the sciences, and free speech and though is encouraged. What Atlas Shrugged has shown me is that we may not always have these things, and that we must use it to our full advantage.

There was a period where I too, tried to be a workaholic. The girl I liked got a boyfriend and was just so nonchalant about it, and I just felt completely broken. It didn’t go down too well, because I grossly neglected my health and after just a week of 7 hour study days I got sick, and lost my motivation.

Work is important…aside from the people we influence, it’s the only thing that we leave behind when we’re gone. But never let it kill you. Stand tall, but know your limits.

 

Thanks for reading, and have a wonderful day.

Problem Solving

In the face of adversity, it’s not easy to maintain a brave face and a calm mind, to tackle a problem when it takes an emotional toll on you. But that’s exactly when we need to act calmly and most rationally in order to remove ourselves from such a mess.

I’ve gotten better at taking things calmly and from a more objective standpoint recently. The effects have been noticeable, and I find that when I get a challenging problem or a conceptual issue I don’t feel the urge to run for help, or an overwhelming need to give up and mope.

Making the choice to do something small like this has given me a small sense of control in my life. It’s not a ton, or the biggest deal, but it has made handling struggle much easier. Of course there’s nothing wrong with asking others for help…however, it’s important to spend the time floundering, trying different approaches and reaching dead ends. What this method of almost random wandering teaches us is that over time, we become more capable of choosing the right paths, and as a result we pick less dead ends, and thus become faster at solving more difficult problems.

A few people have pointed this out to me…it’s that I tend to give up in the face of adversity. That’s not who I want to be seen as, who I want to be. I think that this choice is helping me take a step in the right direction. Perhaps the most important skill to be gleaned is that of independent problem solving.

Problem solving…the most important skill for computer scientists, for students, and frankly for everyone. No matter what field, what we are doing, there comes a time when we have a problem, and we must bypass the problem via finding a solution.

I guess if there’s one thing you get out of reading this piece, it’s that we can all be better problem solvers, from those who don’t do those who live it. There is no limit on how much more we can expand our knowledge, how many more connections and solutions that we can find.

(sorry for not posting in a few days)

Thanks for reading, and have a great day.

Ripples of a Time Gone By

It’s a time gone by, different me a different you

Not sure what I was hoping for…

They call us dreamers, cause we never see it through

Maybe I was trying to open a door

 

I used to wonder, if you thought of me

Hoped to one day take your hand

Take you where you wished to be

Make this world our promised land

 

We were younger then, more foolish too

Tried to treat you like the queen you were

Daydreamed, asked if our love was true

Then our time flew by in a blur

 

 

Reminiscing I guess? I know it seems petty, to have something as trivial as some distant heartbreak as a disturbance in one’s life. I need to wake up, can’t let this trouble me anymore. I don’t know what to think though, but I know this state of sometimes caring, sometimes stone cold can’t continue because it’s hurting me way more than it should.

She cut me out of her life so easily, deftly. Capable like that…keen is the best word to describe her. Quick-minded for problem-solving, but also able to navigate people, find people…people more suited to her friendships, her interests.

The problem’s not so small I guess. On one hand I want to cut her out of my life, let these old wounds heal and disappear. But I also want her in my life…maybe not as the person I fell in love with years ago, but as the person I admire and respect.

It’s a limbo…where the mind fights with itself on what it believes, unable to clearly distinguish what it really thinks, feels.

I’ll end here today, enough depressing stuff.

 

Thank you for reading, and have a great day.