Cursed Gift

Why do I not feel happy for them, if they are filled with joy?

I can only think that it’s because I wanted that selfish pleasure to be mine.

I won’t lie to myself, I owe myself that much.

 

Some things will never change, my insufferable yet beautiful passion one of them.

The goosebumps run down my arms and I shiver with the thought of you.

But you are not mine to hold, not mine to lose anymore.

It’s only now that I realize, your joy was my bliss only when your world was mine.

Crumpling, no longer resolute, never resolute with you, without you.

To look inward and face the truth, it’s not really love for you, is it?

How can I love you, if it’s just for the high it gives me?

That must be the truth they see in me, the soul behind the shell;

The me I didn’t know was there.

 

This love isn’t killing me…the struggle inside is.

Can’t let you go, not strong enough; can’t win your heart, not good enough.

They were all right, I am alone…I cut myself off, even as I reached out.

It didn’t have to be this way, but I brought it about.

I won’t lie to myself…I’ve made a grand mess of things.

Tell me I’m immature, that I’m delusional, that I’m dramatic…

That the storm will pass, that it will be nothing years from now.

I know you’re right. We’re specks of dust in a stream of time.

But it means everything to me. What you gave me, was happiness.

 

 

Thanks for reading, and have a great day

Heavy Thoughts

(Quick note: Just a rant for today. Thoughts, questions, answers to my questions all in one. Perhaps I just need to vent or something.)

 

I think I may be slightly depressed. I have a few interests, but not many, really. I play the piano, and it’s something that I’ll probably do for the rest of my life, but even so it’s not something that I would do professionally for a living. I write, and it’s nice to be able to create something…writing is a skill that I will hone and value for the rest of my time as well. Do I want to be an author though? I’m not too sure.

I guess I’m not super popular at school, but I have great friends who I can look up to, make jokes with, and complain about homework to. It’s just…I’m not good enough on either end of the spectrum. I’m decently smart, I get alright grades that could be better, and I fare well in the math department. I guess this isn’t the main issue, this can easily be resolved with more time, practice, learning.

Try as I might, I’m a person, and I feel really strong emotions. In a way, this makes my piano that much more meaningful, because without feeling how can one ever feel the music? Anyways…well I notice things. It’s not huge, but it’s the little things.

Like when you sneeze and no one says anything, that’s fine. But then anyone else sneezes and a quarter of the class is praying to god that their heart doesn’t stop and that they don’t catch the next flu pandemic.

My parents notice it too, asking me why I don’t hang out with my friends super often. Sometimes it’s not enough time, but disregarding that I guess it’s simply that I’m not social enough.

Some people are introverts, and they just prefer to be alone. To enjoy oneself, their surroundings, and not have to deal with others. Sometimes this definition works for me, but occasionally I just feel the loneliness and wish that I had company.

I guess that leads me to the next point. I don’t think that I’m even in love anymore, it’s probably just missing the light feeling I used to get from being close to someone special. After all the bs that I’ve done, I don’t see a reason as to why she would still want anything to do with me. Even so, it still hurts no matter the angle you look at it.

Sometimes I find myself studying, working when I feel down. It’s helpful for a moment, but with all the drive I feel from suffering, I realize that I don’t have a direction. I don’t have enough interests to pursue I guess.

 

The root of the problem is probably somewhere in me. I take the blame not because potentially I’m depressed, but rather for the sake of acknowledging that a problem exists, and that some part of the issue is in my hands, and I can change it.

I guess that’s how my mentality works. I guess that’s how I work.

Until I resolve it, it’ll probably eat me up inside until one day, there’s nothing left but the husk, a stone-cold shell with no purpose but to move in a direction; forward, uncompromising, and without joy.

I don’t want to become that. That’s not what living should be like.

 

Thank you for reading. If you have any suggestions based on this glimpse of my life and rendition of my feelings, please let me know. Maybe it’s my own struggle but I’ll appreciate any help that I can get.

Thanks, and have a great day.

Sleep

It’s 12:30

Labs, projects, homework oh my

I need to write a paper, I shouldn’t have waited on

Still feel sore from track practice, and I feel like I could die

Be up all night long, till the dusk gives way to dawn

This suffering self-inflicted, why?

Procrastination

What even, all these years still here?

Took it out, cast it aside, forbade it to ever return

But it came back like like a hidden danger invisible but near

Dreams and hopes to work for, move towards, yearn

No more pain to feel, not even fear

Just fatigue

 

Sleep.

 

 

This is the kind of stuff my mind creates at 1 in the morning. Forgive me, I’ve been busy and it’s been difficult to create novel, and heartfelt work. This one is a pattern, rhyming but also shape? It’s a little rough, but it conveys my point.

 

Thx for reading, have a great day

Silence

“What do you want?”, I ask

A blank stare meets my gaze

Looking into those eyes, I see a glimmer of hope and curiosity

The crinkle of a smile reaches his lips

Then it’s gone

 

“Who are you?”, I ask

A flash of worry streaks across

Looking into his eyes, I see worry, fear even

A shiver passes through

Then stillness

 

“What are your dreams?”

A feeling of confidence sweeps over

Looking into those eyes, I feel worry, loss

Drive but no direction

Then nothing

 

“Why?”

A fissure in my conscience

Looking in the mirror, I feel broken

I don’t know

Then deafening silence

 

 

Thanks for reading, and have a great day.

A Walk in the Park: thoughts on life

I had just finished a track workout today, and I jog-walked through the park next to my school to warm down.

As I was walking along the path, for some reason I began contemplating my existence, and how one day undoubtably, I would die.

Yeah, alright…perhaps I was being too morbid. I’m afraid of death, I guess most people are. The weird thing is, this afternoon while walking in the park, I felt calm, and asked myself why worry about something that is inevitable? Why worry about what you can delay but not solve, when we have only so much time on this earth? I don’t really believe in spirits at this point in time, so for all I know, we only do live once, and then we’re gone. A speck of sand in a desert, a drop of water in the ocean, is really all the time we have. But it’s wonderful that it exists…that we can make so much out of what little we have.

As I was walking in the park, I realized that life is indeed like a marathon. It’s a long race, a difficult one, and it’s against yourself. You meet lots of people along that trail, some you run and talk with, others you’d rather not see again. Regardless, at some point we stop running. Whether you finish or not, the race comes to an end, either from completing the race, or not being able to.

You may come to the end, and celebrate that you’ve completed your marathon. You might laugh about it, talk about it with the friends you made on your run. And then, it’s over.

Sure, you can go for a record, beat everyone else. You can also walk the whole thing, although that may take a lot of time. It’s the same thing as being the change you want to see, acting on vindication and unerring motivation, or simply enjoying the small things, and appreciating the world and yourself for what they are.

No matter what one chooses to do on this long run, the most important thing is to enjoy it, and make that journey worth everything you gave for it.

With this, I’ll leave you all with a short poem:

 

Life

Life, what does it mean?

A long path of hope, despair

Blink, and it departs

 

Thanks for reading, and as always have a great day

Drained

Fatigue settles in

The fire sputters today

Yet feels warm inside

 

My attempt at a haiku. Really tired two days in a row, so I apologize if sometime my posts are tiring to read/not so creative. I promise it will get better in time, I just struggled to muster the strength even to stay up and write this 😦

This post was inspired by my deadness that I’m feeling as I try to stay awake haha. Although I feel burnt out, I also feel accomplished and that I was productive. I guess the ultimate goal is to do so much poetry that over time it becomes expressive and good quality, as well as easily to me as I write it.

School is back in, so it’s getting more difficult sometimes to make a daily post. I care a lot about this commitment, and I think it’s a major factor in my improvement of writing through the analysis parts after. I’m going to try to continue every day, but please forgive me if sometimes I don’t make it on time such as now when it’s past 12 and into the next day.

 

As always, let me know what you think, and how I can improve my writing & poetry.

Thank you, and have a great day,

No

The day when I can stand tall and say ‘No’

Is the moment when I know I’ve grown wise

I’ll need nothing by my strength to glow

Have no more anguish and pain to despise

 

The day when I’m braver and act with my heart

I won’t let anything quell my hopes and dreams

I have all the resources, the willpower to start

No reason not to start right now, no rationale it seems

 

So why not say no to those who hold us back

They are of no consequence, make your dreams come true

Don’t care about them, don’t let them give you flack

Open your eyes, and act in line with the values you look to

 

 

Hey. So I wrote this piece a little for myself actually. I need to say no a lot more forcefully. I set boundaries with my own morals, with my time, with myself, but sometimes I let others act against this because they aren’t me. However, this can be really unhealthy towards me…and I’m feeling it. I’ve let this unwillingness to stand firm to others be a weakness in myself.

Because of this, I am writing this post at 11:47 instead of 1 hour earlier, or perhaps even earlier. I’ve given my time away on a busy day, because I didn’t say no strongly enough.

For those of you who may struggle with a similar issue, please think about it. Ask yourself what you value, what comes first. Say no if anything comes between what matters to you most, because it’s in the way whether it’s an activity or event, or someone else who “needs” your help. Chance will have it that they asked a dozen other people, and you could spend your time better than stabbing yourself to help them.

Now, perhaps you might consider me overly cynical in this last regard. However, keep in mind I’m not saying be a jerk and ignore everyone who needs your help. Sometimes people are genuine, more often than not, actually. Just…be careful, and value yourself.

 

As always, feedback and discussion is appreciated.

Thanks for reading, and have a great day.