Heavy Thoughts

(Quick note: Just a rant for today. Thoughts, questions, answers to my questions all in one. Perhaps I just need to vent or something.)

 

I think I may be slightly depressed. I have a few interests, but not many, really. I play the piano, and it’s something that I’ll probably do for the rest of my life, but even so it’s not something that I would do professionally for a living. I write, and it’s nice to be able to create something…writing is a skill that I will hone and value for the rest of my time as well. Do I want to be an author though? I’m not too sure.

I guess I’m not super popular at school, but I have great friends who I can look up to, make jokes with, and complain about homework to. It’s just…I’m not good enough on either end of the spectrum. I’m decently smart, I get alright grades that could be better, and I fare well in the math department. I guess this isn’t the main issue, this can easily be resolved with more time, practice, learning.

Try as I might, I’m a person, and I feel really strong emotions. In a way, this makes my piano that much more meaningful, because without feeling how can one ever feel the music? Anyways…well I notice things. It’s not huge, but it’s the little things.

Like when you sneeze and no one says anything, that’s fine. But then anyone else sneezes and a quarter of the class is praying to god that their heart doesn’t stop and that they don’t catch the next flu pandemic.

My parents notice it too, asking me why I don’t hang out with my friends super often. Sometimes it’s not enough time, but disregarding that I guess it’s simply that I’m not social enough.

Some people are introverts, and they just prefer to be alone. To enjoy oneself, their surroundings, and not have to deal with others. Sometimes this definition works for me, but occasionally I just feel the loneliness and wish that I had company.

I guess that leads me to the next point. I don’t think that I’m even in love anymore, it’s probably just missing the light feeling I used to get from being close to someone special. After all the bs that I’ve done, I don’t see a reason as to why she would still want anything to do with me. Even so, it still hurts no matter the angle you look at it.

Sometimes I find myself studying, working when I feel down. It’s helpful for a moment, but with all the drive I feel from suffering, I realize that I don’t have a direction. I don’t have enough interests to pursue I guess.

 

The root of the problem is probably somewhere in me. I take the blame not because potentially I’m depressed, but rather for the sake of acknowledging that a problem exists, and that some part of the issue is in my hands, and I can change it.

I guess that’s how my mentality works. I guess that’s how I work.

Until I resolve it, it’ll probably eat me up inside until one day, there’s nothing left but the husk, a stone-cold shell with no purpose but to move in a direction; forward, uncompromising, and without joy.

I don’t want to become that. That’s not what living should be like.

 

Thank you for reading. If you have any suggestions based on this glimpse of my life and rendition of my feelings, please let me know. Maybe it’s my own struggle but I’ll appreciate any help that I can get.

Thanks, and have a great day.

Silence

“What do you want?”, I ask

A blank stare meets my gaze

Looking into those eyes, I see a glimmer of hope and curiosity

The crinkle of a smile reaches his lips

Then it’s gone

 

“Who are you?”, I ask

A flash of worry streaks across

Looking into his eyes, I see worry, fear even

A shiver passes through

Then stillness

 

“What are your dreams?”

A feeling of confidence sweeps over

Looking into those eyes, I feel worry, loss

Drive but no direction

Then nothing

 

“Why?”

A fissure in my conscience

Looking in the mirror, I feel broken

I don’t know

Then deafening silence

 

 

Thanks for reading, and have a great day.

Forgetting to Live

(Quick note: Hey, so I know my posting has been sporadic to be generous. I’m going to get back into it, I owe myself this to get better, and I owe you guys as my audience this because you follow and read my content. I’ve found a small pillar of motivation I guess, and I won’t let it fall.)

I think I’ll be trying something different. Normally I write a poem, or write some thought piece. I think occasionally if I can pair them, I’ll just do both.

 

One day you’ll be gone, and they may never know

Your character, your sprit, your soul, your glow

Although someday, your name they may forget

A heart like yours will never sink with regret

 

The muddled words and fleeting thoughts

Mystifying memories that get tied in knots

The tests and exams that we studied for

The joy and pain we remember no more

 

Sometimes you wonder, what for and why

Just a light for a moment, before the goodbye

But there’s so much more, no time to misgive

Open your mind and smile, there’s a life to live

 

 

Hey all, hope you enjoyed this piece. My motivation for this piece came when my dad asked me some questions about biology, and I realized that although I learned it but a year ago, I had already forgotten much of it. It was a bit of sadness, a bit of embarrassment. So afterwards, I went to study a bit, and this theme of forgetting got implanted in my mind…. and okay, this is getting bland, moving on.

Most people when they die are remembered only by family and friends, maybe by students or admirers. But within just a few decades are gone forever. I think it’s a little sad, but then, does it matter? Who knows, were we born with a purpose to accomplish in the world? Regardless, I think it’s more important to live with a bright look, and know that whatever happens, we have an incredible gift, which is life. Sht gets bad, sometimes beyond depressing. Sometimes we lose close ones, work towards a life goal then watch it get taken away. Whatever it is, we suffer and ache. But that’s only one part of the story. The other is of existing, of living by what you believe in, and of finding beauty in the world and in yourself.

It’s beautiful to be alive. I know things are going to get more difficult, that I’m going to hurt, to fail, to break. I know I’m probably more fortunate than most, and I have no right to force my life philosophy upon anyone…but when things get tough and times are hard…remember that you’re alive, and no matter what things can change; you can change them.

Live

 

Thank you for reading, I really do appreciate getting to share my work. Um if you want to, feel free to leave feedback in the comments as to what you prefer to see, how I can improve etc.

Have a wonderful day,

Failure

To try, to fail.

To struggle, to fail.

To learn, to fail.

To give one’s best, and fail.

To hurt, and fail.

 

Sometimes there seems to be no end

Over and over, we try, fumble, and stop

It hurts even as you learn and try again

The wise people say it’s the only way to grow

You fail again, even as you try to understand

 

Never ending, a vicious cycle descending

A weight of worlds spiraling downwards

Tense breaths as the calm slips away

Again. Get up, analyze, learn, try again

Once more you tell yourself. One more time

 

Finally arriving, it arrives with the bill

The cost of failure, the resources to try

Rather than anger, only a void to fill

The price is one’s time, sweat and suffering

Even with nothing, you’re left with a gift

 

Humility. Knowledge. Growth,

Hope.

It hurts, it burns, it heals, it mends.

Ever-present, either in the moment or by the scars left behind

 

Thanks for reading, it’s been awhile.

Have a great day