A Speck of Sawdust

You brought me light when things were grim

I won’t give up although I’m not on track

Try to drown my sorrows on any whim

I’ll clench my teeth but I won’t look back

 

Do you see the pain behind a work of art

Hidden words behind a demure smile

The anguish inside ripping them apart

A trace of wonder that’s been there awhile

 

Although one day you’ll forget about me

You’re my heart’s desire, its paradigm

Just another face lost to the endless sea

My face still lights up like the first time

 

I might be lost in a passing breeze, or buried in the time that’s floated on by

I’ve overextended my stay, been a gentlemen and a jackass, but I have to try

I won’t be able to look back years from now, not cry looking you in the eye

It’s selfish I know, but I love you so, and if nothing else just tell you goodbye

 

I know you may not see this, but I’ll show you someday.

I wish things had been different, turned out another way.

 

For X.T.

Je t’aime, toujours.

 

I hope you enjoyed the poem.

Thanks for reading, and have a great day.

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Failure

To try, to fail.

To struggle, to fail.

To learn, to fail.

To give one’s best, and fail.

To hurt, and fail.

 

Sometimes there seems to be no end

Over and over, we try, fumble, and stop

It hurts even as you learn and try again

The wise people say it’s the only way to grow

You fail again, even as you try to understand

 

Never ending, a vicious cycle descending

A weight of worlds spiraling downwards

Tense breaths as the calm slips away

Again. Get up, analyze, learn, try again

Once more you tell yourself. One more time

 

Finally arriving, it arrives with the bill

The cost of failure, the resources to try

Rather than anger, only a void to fill

The price is one’s time, sweat and suffering

Even with nothing, you’re left with a gift

 

Humility. Knowledge. Growth,

Hope.

It hurts, it burns, it heals, it mends.

Ever-present, either in the moment or by the scars left behind

 

Thanks for reading, it’s been awhile.

Have a great day

Arrogance

“The tree ripe with fruits bends over in its weight”

An analogy for arrogance, it means that with accomplishments under one’s belt, one becomes overconfident and only aware of their achievements.

For me, I experienced this recently and felt a need to write about it. (Also to let you guys know that I’m still writing, even if not as consistently as I’d hope.) After a few compliments from people, and a good approval from a teacher on an assignment, I got it into my head that I was some incredible writer, and that with ease or effort, my literature would be profound and of high caliber.

This coming from the same person who admitted that likely, the first 500 blog posts would be sad, or mediocre even.

Sometimes we get our heads stuck up our asses. That was me until I got a major essay back. My teacher gave me a B- or C+ on it. This was a 10 page work which I had invested hours into, spent my time dozing off thinking about my analysis. All coming to fruition in a work that was unappreciated, and I felt, improper for the effort.

Of course the first emotion would be indignation. I felt a brief spark, momentarily angry and upset at the rewards for my efforts. Then I remembered that my teacher is a great teacher, and holds her students to a high standard in their work in order to drive them further and to achieve more. She knows that I’ve written good work, and she’s told me honestly when she thought my piece was good quality. Clearly this wasn’t.

I kept my cool, not because I’m that mentally strong. I did it because I realized my goal was to become a better writer, and that my english teacher is a strong writer, and that I have much to learn.

It hurt a bit, but I took a step back and thought for awhile. Yes, I had invested lots of time into this essay. But was it well-spent? Clearly not, and with that realization, I understood that my essay had become too garbled, too broad. I was trying to write a paper on human nature and its essence, when I should have focused on answering the questions that my teacher was asking.

A lot of the content was fluffy, some of my evidence was contradictory, and some of the reasoning was shaky at best.

Only after seeing this, could the grade be understood. The grade received was the grade that it deserved.

Effort does not equate results. In a world where merely good intention and effort is accepted and rewarded and applauded even is a world based on distortion and self delusion. A world which people can take advantage of, as it gives people the excuses to not achieve what they should.

I guess that I’ve been reading too much of Ayn Rand, and her objectivism philosophy is getting to me. I’m more than half way through Atlas Shrugged! Spent several hours today going from page 350-650 haha.

I think that what my english teacher taught me today is that remaining humble, and constantly aware of the objective truth is what matters when acting. Confidence is wonderful, but should never be left untended and allowed to grow uncontrolled into arrogance.

Thank you for teaching me this lesson today, Mrs. H.

 

Thank you for reading today, and I’m sorry it’s been so long. I guess not only do I need to work on my confidence (moderation) but also my commitment to writing every day.

Ripples of a Time Gone By

It’s a time gone by, different me a different you

Not sure what I was hoping for…

They call us dreamers, cause we never see it through

Maybe I was trying to open a door

 

I used to wonder, if you thought of me

Hoped to one day take your hand

Take you where you wished to be

Make this world our promised land

 

We were younger then, more foolish too

Tried to treat you like the queen you were

Daydreamed, asked if our love was true

Then our time flew by in a blur

 

 

Reminiscing I guess? I know it seems petty, to have something as trivial as some distant heartbreak as a disturbance in one’s life. I need to wake up, can’t let this trouble me anymore. I don’t know what to think though, but I know this state of sometimes caring, sometimes stone cold can’t continue because it’s hurting me way more than it should.

She cut me out of her life so easily, deftly. Capable like that…keen is the best word to describe her. Quick-minded for problem-solving, but also able to navigate people, find people…people more suited to her friendships, her interests.

The problem’s not so small I guess. On one hand I want to cut her out of my life, let these old wounds heal and disappear. But I also want her in my life…maybe not as the person I fell in love with years ago, but as the person I admire and respect.

It’s a limbo…where the mind fights with itself on what it believes, unable to clearly distinguish what it really thinks, feels.

I’ll end here today, enough depressing stuff.

 

Thank you for reading, and have a great day.

It’s Just a Game

“It’s just a game,” the phrase that sore losers say when they don’t win them match, the exasperated plea that parents make with their addicted children, and the attempt at reassurance that you give yourself when you feel yourself getting too attached to the ideas and characters behind the screen.

It’s just a game.

It’s just a game.

It’s just a game.

But sometimes it’s something more. It’s the bond forged between teammates, a surge of euphoria of living another world, and a connection between you and the character. It’s something more, more than a game.

I played a very difficult level in a game…and as a result of dying, my partner and I lost a lot of stamina, the currency to play more levels. That wasn’t the worst part. It was the feeling of having let my partner down that hurt the most. A feeling of failure.

We tried a few more times, we lost a few more times.

We felt strained, we laughed at our failures, we shared our salt.

At the end of the day, it’s just a game…but it’s also so much more than that.

 

Thanks for reading, and have a great day.

Delusions

We are born with delusions. We think that the world is ours at birth, that we are meant to be served. Only through time and guidance do we learn to act properly and become productive citizens of society.

However, it is up to us to remove, and see through the initial sense of self-entitlement, the idea that we were set here to be almighty and unique. Without realism, the ability to imagine is without a venue for application. Without grounding in reality, the imagination and dreams of grandeur are exactly that: dreams and imagination.

For me…until recently I had this idea that I was really talented at the piano. Sure…I have some musicality, I feel the connection with the music. Can I compose pieces on the spot, play incredibly fast and have perfect technique, or have the innate desire to spend all of my time playing? The answer is no to all of the questions. The thing is, just because I’m not crazy talented doesn’t mean that piano is not worth doing…on the contrary, I see it as something that I can enjoy while being fairly good, and not have to stress about competition. I think piano is a wonderful form of self-expression, a beautiful instrument and definitely something worth trying. It’s a…serious hobby I guess.

That’s a perfectly reasonable approach towards some parts of our lives. If you enjoy drawing, but don’t want to be a professional artist…enjoy doing math contests but don’t like the idea of going into purely theoretical maths, or enjoy swimming but don’t want to be an olympic athlete, it’s always a choice. The future is only set in stone once it has dried and stiffened into the past. Until then every choice is fluid.

By all means, I am in no ways condoning the abandoning of what you enjoy doing, or encouraging everyone to be amateurs. Far from it. Instead, what I think is reasonable is realizing what you want to do in life, and benching the others as smaller parts in one’s life. For me, I don’t want to be a concert pianist when I grow up…so I choose to play for my enjoyment, and occasionally do small competitions. By prioritizing what matters most, you can find time for the things you want to do, want to try.

Distill the delusions of grandeur into acute ambition, and pursue the latter with focus.

Thanks, and have a wonderful day.

Balance of Fear

When your palms get sweaty, and you nervously wipe your brow that you just dried 5 seconds ago. It’s parting your hair excessively, not because it’s in the way but because you need something to do with your hands. The stutter in your first few words before it can blossom into confidence. It’s fear…it makes us human.

Afraid of getting poor grades, afraid of feeling unaccomplished.

Afraid of rejection, afraid of not learning from the failure.

Afraid of losing faith, afraid of losing the ones you love.

Fear makes sure that we don’t endanger the things that we value, but it also holds us back. If you’re afraid to try the difficult task, you will never know your limits. If you’re afraid to tell that person how you feel, tell someone how much you appreciate them…perhaps they will never know. If you’re afraid to make the risk, you will never make the biggest gains.

Life is about finding the balance between acknowledging your fear, and acting in spite of it. Fear is human, and we should acknowledge it, embrace it. There are times where we need to suppress it, but overall it is something that should be seen, met face to face, and then understood.

It’s a part of us, but we can’t let it define us.

 

Thanks for reading, and have a wonderful day.